☆ The Transformative Power of the Gratitude Habit

The Transformative Power of the Gratitude Habit

BY LEO BABAUTA

There’s a small habit that I practice, that can turn difficult situations into much better ones — and it won’t surprise you. It’s the habit of gratitude.

This is such a simple habit, and it’s one that we often forget to practice. But when we do, it can transform our entire perspective, and with it our whole life.

Let me give you an example. About 10 years ago, I remember being caught in a rainstorm and being soaked, and also feeling generally stressed about being broke and hating my job and unhappy with my health. I was a bit depressed about it all, actually.

Then I decided to make a mental list of everything I was grateful for, right there in the rain. It was a long list, and while I can’t remember everything on it, some of the things I remember include:

• I’m married to a beautiful, loving, supportive wife.
• I have five wonderful kids (at the time — now I have six).
• I am employed.
• I am relatively healthy (maybe I was overweight, but I didn’t have chronic illness or pain).
• I have loving family (parents, siblings, extended family) who I love dearly.
• I live on a tropical island where the rain is actually refreshing when you’re sweating from the heat (I now live in northern California, but I was on Guam at the time).
• I am alive.
• I can taste delicious food, smell flowers, see art, hear music. What miracles!
• I have friends.
• I can run.
• I can love.
• I can pick mangoes from the huge tree in my yard.
• I can read novels, my dearly beloved novels!
• I am not starving, homeless, destitute, alone, destroyed by a natural disaster.

The list was probably 4-5 times as long, but you get the idea. The things I was taking for granted were now put front and center before me. The things I was feeling bad about didn’t go away, but they were put in perspective. They were blended with more powerful elements of my life into a mix that is ultimately true beauty and love.

Yes, there are bad things in my life, and it’s OK to feel bad about them. But it’s also important to remember the rest of my life, and to remember that even the bad things make life as complex and interesting as it is. Life would be boring without challenges!

The transformation of how I felt about my life, in that moment in the tropical downpouring rain, was really remarkable. All from making a simple list.

I’ve used this process hundreds of times since then, and it transforms everything:

• When I’m feeling mad at someone, I can try to see what about them I’m grateful for.
• When I procrastinate with a project, I can look at why I’m grateful to be able to work on that project.
• When I get injured or sick, I can remember that I’m grateful just to be alive.
• When I lose a good friend, I can grieve, but also be grateful for the time I had with them, and all that they gave me.
• When something bad happens while traveling, I remember to be grateful for traveling at all, and that these challenges are what make the travel an adventure.
• When someone doesn’t like what I do, and criticizes me, I can be grateful they care enough to even pay attention. Attention is a gift.

I’d like to make a small recommendation that could be powerful if you often forget to practice gratitude: start a small daily habit.

Just a few minutes per day of journaling, meditating on gratitude, or just thinking about what you’re grateful for in life. Do it every day, with a reminder, and see if it changes anything.

Don’t rush through it, don’t do it mindlessly, really try to feel gratitude for everything you list. Feel the amazingness of the things in your life.

☆ The Most Important Moment

The Most Important Moment

BY LEO BABAUTA

Something I forget a lot, and have to remind myself about a lot: I’m not on my way somewhere.

This moment isn’t just a stepping stone to get to another place. It’s the destination. I’m already here.

I’m not on my way to a more important moment. This current moment is the most important moment.

This might be obvious to some of you, but I forget a lot. It’s not usually obvious until I remind myself. And even then, it takes some convincing, because I have a tendency to discount this moment and think the important ones are coming up soon.

Let’s quickly look at a few examples:

• You’re in traffic, quite literally on your way to another destination. You’re in a rush to get somewhere else. But this moment, sitting in traffic, frustrated, is not less than any other moment in your life. It’s full of sounds, sights, textures, emotions, other people, the ability to be present and appreciate life, the ability to learn patience and how to deal with struggle, the opportunity to practice coming back to the present. These, and many other things present in the current moment, are incredibly important.
• You’re walking to a meeting. You’re almost at somewhere important! But right now, this walk down a hallway, is just as important. If you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss it. It’s an opportunity to practice, to appreciate, to find gratitude, to breathe, to give yourself space before the rush of the meeting, to deal with the emotions you’re feeling.
• Someone interrupts you while you’re doing something important. How dare they! Don’t they know you’re doing something important, and now you’re disrupted? But this moment of noticing your frustration, this opportunity to bring your presence to this other person, this opportunity to appreciate this other person and be curious about them … these are also super important.
• You’re showering, washing dishes, getting dressed, getting your keys to go to your car … these are times of rushing to the next thing. They are also destinations in themselves, if you pay attention. They’re spaces between, times to practice, times to notice, mini meditations.

Each moment rushes by, because we’re on our way somewhere else. They rush by, rush by, and whoosh are gone. We don’t notice them, because they’re unimportant. Our lives become a huge pile of unnoticed unimportant moments on our way to more important things. The important things also get tossed on the same pile, until we’re left wondering where it all went.

Each moment is like the dew on grass, fragile, ready to evaporate, precious. Let’s not waste each dewlike moment with neglect.

☆ Change Your Story to Change Your Life

Change Your Story to Change Your Life

BY LEO BABAUTA

Whenever we undertake a new change in our lives — whether it’s starting a new job or business, or changing a new habit — we tell ourselves a story about it.

We’re the hero of our story. Unfortunately, it’s not usually a very good story — it involves the hero not believing he or she can do it, wanting to give up and give in to the easy route.

Imagine if the great stories of all time went along the lines of our stories:

• Harry Potter doesn’t fight Voldemort because it’s too hard and anyway, he just wants to play games and go on Reddit.
• Odysseus decides not to make the journey home because he knows himself — he’s just going to give up, and anyway, isn’t the siren’s call of Facebook/Instagram too strong?
• Don Quixote never ventures out for adventure on his brave steed Rocinante, because he doesn’t think he can do it, and instead stays home with his books of romance.
• Frodo heads back to the Shire, because he believes he doesn’t have enough discipline to stick with something very long.

These would be horrible stories, wouldn’t they? Who would root for these dudes?

The story we tell ourselves goes along these lines. They’re different for each of us, but if we’re not succeeding at something, it’s quite probably because we are telling ourselves the wrong story.

Try it now: think of a habit change you’re trying to make or that you’ve tried but failed at in the recent past. Maybe exercise, meditation, writing, defeating procrastination, etc. Now think about what story you told yourself about yourself. What image did you see in your head of yourself? Was it a brave hero triumphing over all odds, never to be deterred by the forces marshalled against him by the cold harsh universe? Or was it of an ordinary character who probably would give in to the donuts and Netflix when things got hard?

Maybe you can’t hear the story you’ve told yourself. Instead, try to sense what feeling is in your heart as you think of yourself conquering this new habit change or life change. Does it feel full of doubt, anxiety, fear, dread? Or is it full of joy, triumph, deep caring? The song you’re singing to yourself (unnoticed by you) is of that note, that chord that you’re feeling in your heartstrings.

We fail because of this story. It stands in our way, more than the actual thing we’re facing. When things get tough or uncomfortable, we tell ourselves: it’s OK to quit, it doesn’t matter, we’ll do it next time, we’re not disciplined enough, we suck at this, we can’t do it, it’s too hard, it would be nice to take a break, life is too short to struggle, we deserve a reward, just this once won’t matter, we’re going to fail, it’s better to fail quietly, we just don’t feel like it right now, let’s not think about this, hey a squirrel!

So what can we do if our story is working against us?

Change the damn story. Create a song to sing about yourself as the epic hero of your dreams. Sing this song daily, and be proud of it. Go after the dream, fight the forces of distraction and dullness and self-doubt, rise up to be your best self. You are the writer of your story, the composer of your song, and every moment is a chance to rewrite it, a new draft ready to be crafted into something better.

Or drop the story. See that without the story telling you that you can’t or shouldn’t do something … there’s just the physical reality of the world around you, no quitter and no hero. Just you and this moment, and it’s a good moment, and without the distraction of a story, you have a basic underlying goodness and love in your heart. That’s all you need: just take this love in your heart and be happy, and do the things that are compassionate for yourself. The struggles you’ve been up against can all go away if you relax them and turn to the goodness of this moment, and take a loving step.

☆ The Joy of Letting Go of Stress

The Joy of Letting Go of Stress

BY LEO BABAUTA

The holiday season can generally be one of the most stressful times of year. That’s on top of most families being so stressed they aren’t able to spend quality time together.

Is stress building up in you? Is it lowering the quality of your life a bit?

Try this right now: pause in your busy day for a moment to notice how you feel. Is your jaw clenched, your shoulders tight, your body tensed? Do you notice a part of your body that is feeling tension around something you’re worried about or feeling anxiety about? Is there a part of your mind that’s feeling the same kind of tension?

Most of us have stress throughout the day in some form, whether we realize it or not. The good news is that we can let go of it.

What You’re Struggling With

Why do we get stressed out, feel anxiety, feel overwhelmed or out of control?

It’s because the world isn’t the perfect, calm, orderly, simple place we’d like it to be. We want things to be comfortable, nice, pretty and ordered. Unfortunately, work is hectic, people demand our attention, we aren’t as disciplined as we’d like, people do things that frustrate us, and there’s just too much to do and read and learn and process.

The problem isn’t the world, or other people … these will always be messy, disordered, unideal.

The problem is that we are holding onto what we want everyone else to be, what we want ourselves to be, what we’d like our work and families and life to be.

Our attachment to these ideals is causing our struggles. Our reluctance to accept the way things are is causing our struggles.

And we don’t want to feel these struggles, so we try to avoid thinking about them with distraction.

But there’s good news! We can relax the struggling, and find the joy of the reality in front of us.

The Joy of Letting Go

I’m going to give you a practice for whenever you feel stress, anxiety, frustration, or other kinds of struggle.

Notice the feeling. Bring it into your field of awareness.

Turn to it, welcome it. Smile and be kind to the feeling, giving it your full gentle attention.

Notice how it feels in your body. Where is the feeling located, what quality does it have?

Notice the tension in your body around it, and the tension in your mind, as you don’t want to have this feeling.

Try relaxing this tense part of your body. Then relax the tense part of your mind around the feeling.

In this more relaxed place, open up some space, like a wide open field, inside your mind and body.

In this space, allow yourself to see the basic goodness in yourself, that’s there in every moment.

In this space, allow yourself to see the basic goodness of this very moment, always available to us if we’re willing to see it.

Find the joy of the rediscovery of this goodness in yourself and this moment.

This is the practice of letting go of the struggle, and accepting this moment as it is, and yourself as you are.

You can do this in every moment. You can practice with seeing the goodness in others as well. Seeing the goodness in our struggles and complicated relationships and busy-ness.

We can uncover the joy and love that’s always there.

☆ How to Build an Empire

How to Build an Empire

BY LEO BABAUTA

There are times when I see the successful businesses that other people are building and I instantly want to create that kind of success for myself.

I want to build an empire. I want to create a startup. I want to make a successful podcast, YouTube channel, live conference — whatever success someone else has created, I want too.

I can instantly imagine this success happening, and it feels exciting. I feel accomplished. The fantasy of an empire is in my head, and I want it!

So I start planning this new empire: what will it look like? What kind of team would I build? What is our manifesto, our core values, our story? How do I thrill and delight and excite my community?

This is the curse of seeing others’ success. You grab on to the fantasy, and you want it. Then doubt creeps in about whether you can achieve it, and you either give up because you don’t think you’re worthy, or you push through the uncertainty towards the fantasy of someone else’s success.

Luckily I’ve done this enough times that I know the pattern well. And so I breathe, and become more conscious about what I’m deciding to spend my time on.

I ask myself:

What is driving this fantasy? Where did it come from?

If I’m inspired by someone else’s success, is it out of jealousy?

Do I know what their success actually looks like, behind the scenes, or am I only seeing the good bits? Is this person really as thrilled and content as I might think, or is that only in my imagination?

Am I imagining the beginning part, where I start a new awesome project, and everything is fun and exciting? What about the middle part, where things look bleak and doubt makes you want to quit, and everything is hard?

Will I be any better off after creating this success, or will I really feel the same? Will this give me fulfillment, or is it just an ego boost? Are the people who’ve built empires really happy, or are they filled with fears, doubt, anxiety?

Is this really my mission, or am I letting myself get sidetracked because I have doubts about my mission, or because things are hard?

Where do I get happiness from? Is it from success? Or is happiness available to me right now, for the dear price of letting go of my fantasy and seeing what’s already here?

And so I breathe, and I let go.

How do you build an empire? You let go of the fantasy, and focus on your true mission in life. And if you don’t know what your mission is, then that’s your mission … figuring it out.

How do you build an empire? By serving. By connecting with others and caring. By helping others build their empires. By seeing that the empire that really matters is already here, in this moment, in your heart, in the goodness all around you, in the goodness in others. This empire cannot be taken away, will never crumble, and will fulfill you.

You build an empire by letting go of everything that doesn’t matter, of the fantasies, and seeing what’s here now. And then acting out of love.

☆ A Mindful Shift of Focus

A Mindful Shift of Focus

BY LEO BABAUTA

Throughout the day, we get frustrated, irritated, angry.

We are frustrated in traffic, when a loved one doesn’t behave the way we like, when someone tells us we’re wrong, when technology doesn’t work the way we want, when dinner is ruined, among many other daily stresses.

These frustrations can build up into unhappiness, relationship problems, work problems, built up stress, blowing your top at someone when you lose your cool. Not always helpful stuff!

I’m going to suggest a mindful shift in focus to deal with frustrations.

It’s a mindfulness practice, and I highly recommend it. We’ll start by talking about where frustration comes from, then how to mindfully shift.

Mindfulness of Frustration

The next time you experience frustration, just notice it. Just be mindful that you’re unhappy with something or someone, that you’re feeling frustration in your body somehow.

Pay attention to your breathing, to tightness in your chest or shoulders, to how it feels in your body. Stay with the feeling for just a couple moments, if you have the courage to do so. Normally, we run like hell from paying attention to this feeling, and try to resolve it by fixing the situation, making people behave differently, distracting ourselves, etc. But stay with it if you can.

Now notice what it is in this moment that you wish were different. What is missing from this moment that is frustrating you? Frustration stems from what you don’t have.

What do I mean by this? There’s something you don’t have right now, that you wish you had, and that lack of what you want is frustrating you. A few examples:

• My child isn’t behaving the way I want her to … what I don’t have is “ideal” behavior from her. (Actually, it’s my ideal, not hers.)
• My computer keeps crashing, and I’m frustrated … what I don’t have is a computer that behaves ideally.
• People are saying things online that irritate me … what I don’t have is a bunch of people who agree with me or behave in the way I want.
• Traffic backed up and stressing me out … what I don’t have is a stress-free, peaceful drive home.
• My spouse criticized me … what I don’t have is someone who thinks I’m an awesome husband right now, or their praise.

Those are just examples, but in all cases, there’s something that’s missing that I want. Usually it’s an ideal.

To start with, just be mindful that you’re frustrated, try to experience the feeling in your body, and then notice what it is you’re missing that’s frustrating you.

Mindfulness of Your Story

When we’re missing something we want, and we’re frustrated, irritated, angry … we often spin the story around in our heads for awhile. “It’s so irritating when he acts this way,” or “Why can’t she just be more …”

We get caught up in this story, stuck on it, attached to it. We wish things were different, wish other people would behave differently, wish people could see that we’re right.

It’s easy to get caught up. It’s not so easy to notice that we’re caught up, when it happens. But if you can notice it, just notice that you’re telling yourself a story about this situation. It’s a story about how you wish things were different, how things aren’t how you want them to be.

Sit and watch yourself get caught up in this story. Sit and stay with the feelings it produces.

Then see if you can notice that the story isn’t so solid. It’s not so real. It’s more of a dream that you’re in. Can things lighten up if you notice the dreamlike nature of this story?

Mindfulness of What Is Already Here

If we’re focusing on what we don’t have, and it’s frustrating us … then the opposite just might help us.

The antidote to frustration is appreciating what’s already here, in this moment.

That might not seem true when frustration arises, because the truth is, we just want things to be our way. We just want other people to act the way we think they should act, or want life to go the way we want it to go.

Unfortunately, that is usually not going to be the case. Sometimes we can force people to act the way we want, if we have power over them, but that will create a bad relationship with them, and in the end, neither person will be happy.

What I’ve found to work is focusing on what I can appreciate about this moment. Let’s take the examples from above:

• I’m frustrated by my child’s behavior … I can breathe, and appreciate things about this moment: my child is actually a wonderful person, who might not behave perfectly all the time (who does?), who is alive! And in my life! And I love her deeply.
• My computer keeps crashing … I can breathe, and appreciate the fact that I have a computer at all, that all my needs are met, that I have people in my life who love me. I can appreciate the break from the computer and stretch, notice the awesome things around me.
• People say irritating things online … I can breathe, and appreciate: I get to read amazing things online! I’m alive! People are diverse and interesting and messy, and I love humanity for that precious fact.
• Traffic is backed up … I can breathe, and appreciate the fact that I can listen to some beautiful music in the car, or that I have some transition time between work and home when I can reflect on life, or that I have a home to come back to, or that I’m driving past some beautiful scenery.
• My spouse criticized me … I can breathe, and appreciate: she’s a great spouse, and a person with a different way of doing things, and I’m happy to have her in my life. And maybe she’s frustrated herself, and could use a hug.

This doesn’t mean we should only “think positive thoughts” … quite the contrary, noticing our negative thoughts and staying present with them is important. We can’t avoid the frustration, but we can be mindful of it, and this mindful shift to appreciation of what is can be helpful.

Frustration in the Midst of Injustice

I should note that none of this means we should accept abuse or injustice as “OK.” I know that there are incredibly frustrating things about the world today, and that violence, protests, anger, and strife are all around us.

This mindful shift I’m suggesting isn’t a solution to all of that. It isn’t a suggestion that you should just be happy with your lot, or accept the world as it is without wanting change.

No, I think if there is abuse or injustice, we should compassionately try to correct these tragedies. But learning to deal with our frustrations, in the midst of all this, can actually help the situation. If we can’t deal with our frustrations, then we’re increasingly likely to act in anger and violence, and that isn’t useful.

There’s another way: recognize the injustice, be mindful of your frustrations, appreciate life in the present moment to calm your frustrations … then compassionately engage with everyone else to work on righting the injustice. Have a love-driven dialogue with everyone else, rather than fear-based or anger-driven interactions. Stand up to abuse, but that doesn’t mean throw a brick in anger.

I don’t have the answers, and my heart goes out to all who are grieving, afraid, hurt, feeling helpless, fed up, frustrated or angry. My only hope is that in the middle of all this sorrow, we can appreciate the gift of life that we’ve been given, and find love for our fellow human beings despite all their flaws and messiness.

☆ Little Changes Can Make a Huge Difference

Little Changes Can Make a Huge Difference

BY LEO BABAUTA

When I’m feeling down, I make a list of what’s contributing to the down-ness:

• Didn’t get enough sleep
• Overwhelmed by too much to do
• Not exercising or eating well
• Got in an argument with someone
• Feeling uncertainty about something

So there might be five different factors contributing to a funk. That’s a lot of things to deal with at once, and so it can be depressing to think about all the things I need to fix in order to feel better.

I can’t fix everything at once, so I just start with one step. I meditate for a couple minutes.

Then I take on another step: I make a list of what I need to do. Pick a few I can do today. A few I can do tomorrow. Vow to focus on the first one on the list.

Another step: go for a walk, get my body moving.

Then another step: talk to the person I had an argument with, in a loving, compassionate way.

Suddenly, with these small steps, I’m starting to feel better.

I spend a little time with my son, playing with him, reading with him.

I take a nap.

I eat a healthy meal.

I meditate on my uncertainty, staying with it as long as I can, with compassion and friendliness.

I go to bed early, and try to get a good night’s sleep.

I focus on one small work task at a time.

And with each step, my mood improves. One step at a time, I help myself feel better.

These are small steps, taken one at a time, with as much presence as I can muster. And they make all the difference in the world.